Finding Theology in cancer

Finding theology in cancer

      As I spend my time with Mom during this time in her life, I can’t help but have the nagging voices in the back of mind that remind of me of my own round with cancer.  Mine was not remotely close to what she is going through now.  For what ever reason, whether because of the age difference,  the stage of cancer or the location of it, our struggles and fight with it are two diametrically opposed things. I have outlived too many friends and relatives now that have also fought this same fight.

     On the base level, I can relate to how to she felt when she heard of the first round; of the cancer mass in her colon…First there is the numbness, then the panic of just hearing the words, “you have cancer”. Then you go into full blown  crisis mode. But in Moms case she fought.  She had the surgery, she started feeling better, she had the hope for the cure and took the chemo and suffered through all the things that chemo does.  But then her Hope for the Cure began to crumble.  She lost the weight she had regained, she felt horrible and was visibly growing weaker daily. She was crying and asking questions of every doctor we saw.  There didn’t seem to be a concrete answer.  Until the day of the MRI… All it finally took was one MRI and she got her answer. “You have two cancerous masses in your brain. One deep in the right temporal lobe and the largest one on the brain stem. There is nothing that will stop this.”
      All of a sudden, those words shook our world again. All of our little neatly organized cubby holes and closets and nicely arranged desks become a house of cards that seem on the verge of collapse. Not only were we having to deal with the mental and emotional shock of the disease, but Mom had to start dealing with the big question that started looming: “Why ME Lord!” I have heard her scream it out of her inner most being. WHY? What have I done? What didn’t I do? What did I eat? What did I say? Was I bad?”  My sister and I can only hold her hand and hug her and assure her that she was not bad.  She doesn’t deserve this disease and the suffering that is racking her body now.  And this is not some punishment. We don’t have any trite explanation for it.  Sometimes you just have to say nothing at all and just listen…and pray…and sing…and pray.

     If you live in the South, all through your religious upbringing you are taught that if you have lived the good and righteous life then all will be fine. You will live to be a wise old person and die peacefully in your sleep when your work here on earth is completed. But you know the dark thoughts will start to sneak into your mind; “Maybe because I didn’t go to church every time the doors opened. Maybe I didn’t give as much as I could of my time and talent and treasure. I’ve tried to obey God’s Law. It’s NOT FAIR! Why can’t I have a long, healthy, pain free life?” We sort of start sounding like Job did in the Old Testament don’t we?  Not only are you dealing with pain, sickness, rollercoaster emotions, family and financial worries, now you start to feel let down by Abba, Father! “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?”  That’s just ole Scratch trying to get into our brain.  The time comes that you have to kick that snake to curb and show him who is boss.

     Having cancer is the ultimate time for spiritual growth. Yes, I just said living with a cancer diagnosis is the perfect time for discovering the Theology of cancer. While you are struggling with pain from surgeries and sickness from treatments and side effects from medications, you are also working through the uncertainty and difficulty of your life. Your whole routine of day to day is shattered. Your belief system has to be realigned, rethought and refined. Old habits are set aside and new habits developed. You start seeing God in a new light.

     Our dear little Mother has endured her two totally different daughters ‘invading’ HER space and taking on the role of caretakers.  It is a blessed role that both of us do not take lightly. We have a different relationship as a result of it.  Still a few prickly moments when the exhaustion of each gets in the way, but the common goal is for the utmost care and comfort of our mother, physically and spiritually.  We try to make sure we make things the way Mom has always liked them, when we cook:  Potato soup without anything fancy added, coffee in her coffeemaker, not in the Keurig that I brought down for us to use.  It was a sad day when we had to rearrange the den for the hospital bed (which she refuses to get in to) and other things.  She was greatly disturbed and tried to figure out a way to keep the other chair and the coffee table in there.  She finally gave up and said “just for a little while”.

      Your relationship with God takes on a new meaning when you have a cancer diagnosis. And even more so when you find yourself as the caregiving child of the parent that kissed all your boo boos and brushed the tangles out of your hair and held your hand when you were too scared to go to sleep. She has to be reminded daily to trust us as we tend to her needs, that she is not going to fall, and to take the pills because one treats this and one does that, and this one works on pain etc.  The Strong Mom is having to learn she is physically the weak one and she must trust the weak ones that she raised and WE have had to realize that it’s time that we must be the strong ones for the weaker one.

      The disease becomes the catalyst to help you grow beyond just thought and belief. You begin to search, to yearn, for the first time, what your purpose in life is ultimately about. You begin to realize that God is refining you. You are walking through the fires of purification. Soon He will be able to see His reflection in you. You are becoming more spiritually focused. No, the theological question, “Why Me Lord?” is not answered, but this new found spirituality does create an intimate connection with the Source of all being. You find that you have become more heart sensitive, more attentive, more thankful for what you have been given. You start living in the present, not in the past that can’t be undone, and not in the future for which you have no control. You start to see how special the rising sun is and the glorious moon and the billions of sparkling stars that fill the indigo skies at night. You cherish the sounds of the drops of rain from the eaves and the chirping of that morning song bird that sits on the fence outside the window you can see from your chair.

       You find peace through the quietness of sitting in the softly falling rain and the gentle breeze as it wafts through the colorful changing leaves of the trees in the early fall. You see the prayers of thanksgiving that nature provides as each plant is beginning to slow down its growth preparing for the winter sleep and waves its leaves toward the heavens.  You slowly come to gain the knowledge that the path to God can be found in the beauty of His creation through nature and the music and art and poetry that it inspires. You see the face of God by looking into the faces of others and see His love. You finally realize that a relationship with God is not dependent on church doctrine or how well you have memorized the scriptures or how intelligent you are. Rather it is how you experience God in others and in His creation. He is showing you the multitude of blessing He is giving you.

      After finding out you have cancer, you find that you are able to make do. You simplify your life and concentrate on what is dear to your heart. You live for the present and work to forget the past guilt and angers. You learn that you have the choice of how to respond to this ‘crisis’. You can get mad or you can get depressed, and you will. You aren’t human if you don’t.  I can’t speak for my sister, but I can honestly say I have my bouts of anger that our Mother is suffering through this horrible brain cancer and yes I plead for her healing and release from pain.   But I also choose to remember that Christ’s Gift of Love for us was to suffer on the cross so that we could have our home with Him in heaven.

      When I was diagnosed and cured of breast cancer I eventually embraced it as a gift of Grace that brought me closer to God. This time with my Mom is also, and it’s making me rethink a lot of things about my life.  Mom is looking forward to the day she will be pain free and unencumbered by the weight of this body that no longer does her bidding.  She sings hymns and asks Lisa to play them over and over again.  She prays without ceasing, even in her slumber, she whispers prayers.  I know that I would not call her cancer a gift.  The gift has been being able to have this precious time with my sister and her and caring for her so intimately and ultimately as she makes her way to the end of her earthly life. She knows she raised two strong, spiritual women.  "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6 

That my friends is how I find theology in cancer. 

VT-K